Last time I had a boyfriend I don’t remember being awarded a badge that gave me the authority to give my single friends cheesy motivational one-liners that would have the exact opposite effect of making them feel less single or alone. I must have missed that ceremony. Or maybe the badge is just something new they’re giving out these days. I know you’re all just trying to be helpful and pass along some of your hard-earned wisdom, but seriously, please refrain from using the following phrases (or any variation of them) when trying to make us single ladies feel better about our solo status.
“As soon as you stop looking, you will find the right guy.”
I’ve heard this one a lot, and from more than one friend, but there’s a couple conversations in particular that stick out as the most memorable.
The first was right after Thanksgiving dinner a few years back. My cousins and I were all sitting around the “kids table” reminiscing on years past. Luckily, I have three older female cousins who remember the terrors of dating in their 20s. Eventually, the subject of relationships came up. I could almost feel the excitement in the room peak as they got ready to pile on the advice. Turns out the motivational one-liner du jour was that no one who looks for relationships ever finds one. Ironically, their advice ended up being really helpful…just not for me. My cousin Krista was also single at the time. Shortly after that conversation, she met a guy on Match.com and 20 months later they were engaged. Ironic, huh? Because I’m pretty sure that creating an online dating profile is the most you can do as far as looking for a relationship.
More recently, a different friend used the same line on me. “As soon as you give up looking you will meet your soul mate. That’s how it always happens in the movies.” In the movies, girls go out twice with their girlfriends, hoping to meet the guy of their dreams – they have no luck and a terrible time. Yet on night #3 (lucky number 3!!) they meet their future husband. One argument and six months later they have a multi-million dollar wedding and live happily ever after. Romantic comedies always have a script and we always know how it’s going to end. On the other hand, I have no idea how the rest of the script of my life is written. So unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of being able to sit back and pretend I’m not interested in finding a relationship.
“You just have to put yourself out there more.”
Okay, now you’re just making it seem like it’s my fault! And really, where’s “there” anyway? I consider myself an outgoing, social person. I’m in public places the majority of my day. I go out on weekends to parties or bars – no more or less than an average 22 year old. But I also go to work every day in a building with over 2,000 people (and I even leave my cube sometimes!!!). I attend networking events and happy hours. I even go to the grocery store!!! Why do I feel like I’m getting dangerously close to exhausting my list of locations? (Since I originally wrote this, my Dad has pointed out a “there” that I’m missing…Church.)
“Guys are intimidated by you because you’re smart and successful.”
Yeah, maybe in the 1950s. But for the past four decades or more men and women have been attending universities together and working side by side in the offices around the country. So our generation really has no excuse – no reason to be intimidated by smart, successful women. In fact, the guys in our generation were probably even raised by smart, successful women. (And don’t boys have a complex where they want to marry someone just like their mother? Or is it just the Italian and Jewish boys who love their mamas that much?)
“You’re sooo young! You have plenty of time to find someone!”
I know, I know. But really, last Tuesday sometimes feels like decades ago. I can’t help but sometimes worry that time is passing by so fast. But maybe I shouldn’t worry yet. I’ll start worrying when I don’t hear this one – that’s the point where you’re too old and everyone has just given up hope for you. When your friends stop saying this, I suggest that you make a trip to your local pet store and buy a few cats…and on your way home, stop to pick up some yarn and knitting needles because, honey, they have no hope left for you!
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