After a friend’s relationship with her long-term boyfriend ended, she saw him out at a bar just a mere two nights later spending his entire night dancing with a beautiful girl. She called me from the bar and said to me with muffled tears that I could hear even through the long-distance phone connection, “I need to find me someone beautiful.” I said to her, “You already are beautiful…find yourself! Then you can find a beautiful, good man.”
I know it sounds cheesy, but sometimes being single isn’t as awful and lonely as we fear it to be at the end of a long-term relationship. Sometimes it’s the time in your life where you learn the most about yourself and what you’re capable of. Don’t get me wrong, it’s totally reasonable to feel like you just got the shit kicked out of you. But the hope is that sooner rather than later you regain your strength and go back to being the amazing woman that you always were. Being single gives you time to work on the relationship you have with yourself – and that’s so important because no matter who comes and goes in your life, that’s the one constant. You have to wake up and go to sleep and everything in between everyyy dayyy with yourself, so make sure that’s a relationship you’re satisfied with.
<3
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
all the single ladies - put your hands up
Last time I had a boyfriend I don’t remember being awarded a badge that gave me the authority to give my single friends cheesy motivational one-liners that would have the exact opposite effect of making them feel less single or alone. I must have missed that ceremony. Or maybe the badge is just something new they’re giving out these days. I know you’re all just trying to be helpful and pass along some of your hard-earned wisdom, but seriously, please refrain from using the following phrases (or any variation of them) when trying to make us single ladies feel better about our solo status.
“As soon as you stop looking, you will find the right guy.”
I’ve heard this one a lot, and from more than one friend, but there’s a couple conversations in particular that stick out as the most memorable.
The first was right after Thanksgiving dinner a few years back. My cousins and I were all sitting around the “kids table” reminiscing on years past. Luckily, I have three older female cousins who remember the terrors of dating in their 20s. Eventually, the subject of relationships came up. I could almost feel the excitement in the room peak as they got ready to pile on the advice. Turns out the motivational one-liner du jour was that no one who looks for relationships ever finds one. Ironically, their advice ended up being really helpful…just not for me. My cousin Krista was also single at the time. Shortly after that conversation, she met a guy on Match.com and 20 months later they were engaged. Ironic, huh? Because I’m pretty sure that creating an online dating profile is the most you can do as far as looking for a relationship.
More recently, a different friend used the same line on me. “As soon as you give up looking you will meet your soul mate. That’s how it always happens in the movies.” In the movies, girls go out twice with their girlfriends, hoping to meet the guy of their dreams – they have no luck and a terrible time. Yet on night #3 (lucky number 3!!) they meet their future husband. One argument and six months later they have a multi-million dollar wedding and live happily ever after. Romantic comedies always have a script and we always know how it’s going to end. On the other hand, I have no idea how the rest of the script of my life is written. So unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of being able to sit back and pretend I’m not interested in finding a relationship.
“You just have to put yourself out there more.”
Okay, now you’re just making it seem like it’s my fault! And really, where’s “there” anyway? I consider myself an outgoing, social person. I’m in public places the majority of my day. I go out on weekends to parties or bars – no more or less than an average 22 year old. But I also go to work every day in a building with over 2,000 people (and I even leave my cube sometimes!!!). I attend networking events and happy hours. I even go to the grocery store!!! Why do I feel like I’m getting dangerously close to exhausting my list of locations? (Since I originally wrote this, my Dad has pointed out a “there” that I’m missing…Church.)
“Guys are intimidated by you because you’re smart and successful.”
Yeah, maybe in the 1950s. But for the past four decades or more men and women have been attending universities together and working side by side in the offices around the country. So our generation really has no excuse – no reason to be intimidated by smart, successful women. In fact, the guys in our generation were probably even raised by smart, successful women. (And don’t boys have a complex where they want to marry someone just like their mother? Or is it just the Italian and Jewish boys who love their mamas that much?)
“You’re sooo young! You have plenty of time to find someone!”
I know, I know. But really, last Tuesday sometimes feels like decades ago. I can’t help but sometimes worry that time is passing by so fast. But maybe I shouldn’t worry yet. I’ll start worrying when I don’t hear this one – that’s the point where you’re too old and everyone has just given up hope for you. When your friends stop saying this, I suggest that you make a trip to your local pet store and buy a few cats…and on your way home, stop to pick up some yarn and knitting needles because, honey, they have no hope left for you!
“As soon as you stop looking, you will find the right guy.”
I’ve heard this one a lot, and from more than one friend, but there’s a couple conversations in particular that stick out as the most memorable.
The first was right after Thanksgiving dinner a few years back. My cousins and I were all sitting around the “kids table” reminiscing on years past. Luckily, I have three older female cousins who remember the terrors of dating in their 20s. Eventually, the subject of relationships came up. I could almost feel the excitement in the room peak as they got ready to pile on the advice. Turns out the motivational one-liner du jour was that no one who looks for relationships ever finds one. Ironically, their advice ended up being really helpful…just not for me. My cousin Krista was also single at the time. Shortly after that conversation, she met a guy on Match.com and 20 months later they were engaged. Ironic, huh? Because I’m pretty sure that creating an online dating profile is the most you can do as far as looking for a relationship.
More recently, a different friend used the same line on me. “As soon as you give up looking you will meet your soul mate. That’s how it always happens in the movies.” In the movies, girls go out twice with their girlfriends, hoping to meet the guy of their dreams – they have no luck and a terrible time. Yet on night #3 (lucky number 3!!) they meet their future husband. One argument and six months later they have a multi-million dollar wedding and live happily ever after. Romantic comedies always have a script and we always know how it’s going to end. On the other hand, I have no idea how the rest of the script of my life is written. So unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of being able to sit back and pretend I’m not interested in finding a relationship.
“You just have to put yourself out there more.”
Okay, now you’re just making it seem like it’s my fault! And really, where’s “there” anyway? I consider myself an outgoing, social person. I’m in public places the majority of my day. I go out on weekends to parties or bars – no more or less than an average 22 year old. But I also go to work every day in a building with over 2,000 people (and I even leave my cube sometimes!!!). I attend networking events and happy hours. I even go to the grocery store!!! Why do I feel like I’m getting dangerously close to exhausting my list of locations? (Since I originally wrote this, my Dad has pointed out a “there” that I’m missing…Church.)
“Guys are intimidated by you because you’re smart and successful.”
Yeah, maybe in the 1950s. But for the past four decades or more men and women have been attending universities together and working side by side in the offices around the country. So our generation really has no excuse – no reason to be intimidated by smart, successful women. In fact, the guys in our generation were probably even raised by smart, successful women. (And don’t boys have a complex where they want to marry someone just like their mother? Or is it just the Italian and Jewish boys who love their mamas that much?)
“You’re sooo young! You have plenty of time to find someone!”
I know, I know. But really, last Tuesday sometimes feels like decades ago. I can’t help but sometimes worry that time is passing by so fast. But maybe I shouldn’t worry yet. I’ll start worrying when I don’t hear this one – that’s the point where you’re too old and everyone has just given up hope for you. When your friends stop saying this, I suggest that you make a trip to your local pet store and buy a few cats…and on your way home, stop to pick up some yarn and knitting needles because, honey, they have no hope left for you!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
the pleasure is temporary and fleeting - and always followed by sharp pain
Have you ever pressed on a bruise over and over again, knowing full well it’s going to hurt each time? Well if you have ever dated Johnny, this is probably what your entire relationship was like.
With Johnny, I was content but never really happy. And even though deep down I had to know nothing was ever going to change, I kept going back to him. I was always nervous that I wasn’t good enough and that he didn’t care about me. Looking back, I realize that although it had a lot to do with me and my own insecurities, he also never gave me the security I needed. He never expressed how he felt and that I had nothing to worry about. I realize now that I was starving for something that he couldn’t give me. What I needed, I could only give myself. But at the time, I thought that if I kept him coming around, eventually he wouldn’t be able to hide his true feelings from me. Eventually, he would have no choice but to be in love with me (because after all, I am great). So we did the up and down, back and forth, hot and cold thing for about 18 months and the number of chances we gave it probably couldn’t even be counted (I’m not good with large numbers). But the number of real chances we gave it…I don’t even think I could say we gave it one. So every time I kept thinking, “this will be the time that it works out”, “this time we are going to give it a real chance”, “this time he will give it everything.”
I was even more confused by the mixed reactions I was getting from my girlfriends:
Then, I found out he had a new girlfriend. I kept saying over and over again that I couldn’t believe it. My roommate, however, was not surprised. “Johnny lets us down again. It’s the same story line.” (You were so right, by the way!)
I spent a few months ignoring him whenever we happened to be at the same place. He would get insanely frustrated by this and a few times he even made it a point to come up to me and point out that I hadn’t say hello to him. One time, it got so bad that one of my friends had to speak up and ask him to “please stop bothering” me – or something more vulgar, but along those lines. I mean, he sometimes wouldn’t bother to say hello to me in bars when we were actually dating, so I didn’t understand why he wanted to be so conversational now that we weren’t.
In the end, I decided that the problem was he liked me just enough so I wouldn’t walk away, but not enough to make it worth my while to stay. He tried to get by on the bare minimum and, although it took me too long to realize it, I didn’t have to settle for the bare minimum.
For a long time I struggled with the situation. I just wanted to know if I had any effect on his life. I used to wonder if he ever thinks of me or wonders what it would be like if things were different. When we don’t like the way something turns out, we try to analyze it and analyze it and analyze it to try to make it make sense. There are always two sides to every story. The thing that bothers me is I never knew his. But maybe the other side doesn’t matter…maybe it’s just the end result that does. It’s not going to make sense for a while, if ever. I’ll never fully understand what happened and what went wrong and why his feelings changed. I still question a lot of things, but thankfully I’ve learned how to be happy anyway.
With Johnny, I was content but never really happy. And even though deep down I had to know nothing was ever going to change, I kept going back to him. I was always nervous that I wasn’t good enough and that he didn’t care about me. Looking back, I realize that although it had a lot to do with me and my own insecurities, he also never gave me the security I needed. He never expressed how he felt and that I had nothing to worry about. I realize now that I was starving for something that he couldn’t give me. What I needed, I could only give myself. But at the time, I thought that if I kept him coming around, eventually he wouldn’t be able to hide his true feelings from me. Eventually, he would have no choice but to be in love with me (because after all, I am great). So we did the up and down, back and forth, hot and cold thing for about 18 months and the number of chances we gave it probably couldn’t even be counted (I’m not good with large numbers). But the number of real chances we gave it…I don’t even think I could say we gave it one. So every time I kept thinking, “this will be the time that it works out”, “this time we are going to give it a real chance”, “this time he will give it everything.”
I was even more confused by the mixed reactions I was getting from my girlfriends:
“You never know how great something could be unless you give it a second chance. Or third, or fourth, or whatever.”
“This has gone on too long, you need to give him an ultimatum.”
Well, eventually I realized that the pleasure that comes from pressing on a bruise (or dating Johnny) is temporary and fleeting – and it’s always followed by sharp pain.
“I don’t believe that all situations in life have to be all or nothing, but this one does. It’s selfish for you to expect to have me at your convenience. You can’t have me just a little bit anymore.”
He proceeded to tell me that I would never understand the mixed emotions that he had – um, maybe because he never explained them to me?? He said he knew I deserved all or nothing, but as frustrating as it was, he couldn’t give everything.
It was nearly impossible to avoid him after we broke up. We attended a large university, but it was a small town and there were only a few different bars that people went to. In the first few months after we stopped hanging out, I would get extremely emotional when I ran into him. If I saw him out at night, I would grab my girlfriends, make a bee-line straight for the bar, and proceed to take shots until my vision was too blurry to see him anymore…it was the only way for me to feel like he wasn’t there. This often ended badly…drunk phone calls and text messages that usually resulted in an argument and the inevitable tears that follow.
“I don’t believe that all situations in life have to be all or nothing, but this one does. It’s selfish for you to expect to have me at your convenience. You can’t have me just a little bit anymore.”
He proceeded to tell me that I would never understand the mixed emotions that he had – um, maybe because he never explained them to me?? He said he knew I deserved all or nothing, but as frustrating as it was, he couldn’t give everything.
It was nearly impossible to avoid him after we broke up. We attended a large university, but it was a small town and there were only a few different bars that people went to. In the first few months after we stopped hanging out, I would get extremely emotional when I ran into him. If I saw him out at night, I would grab my girlfriends, make a bee-line straight for the bar, and proceed to take shots until my vision was too blurry to see him anymore…it was the only way for me to feel like he wasn’t there. This often ended badly…drunk phone calls and text messages that usually resulted in an argument and the inevitable tears that follow.
Then, I found out he had a new girlfriend. I kept saying over and over again that I couldn’t believe it. My roommate, however, was not surprised. “Johnny lets us down again. It’s the same story line.” (You were so right, by the way!)
I spent a few months ignoring him whenever we happened to be at the same place. He would get insanely frustrated by this and a few times he even made it a point to come up to me and point out that I hadn’t say hello to him. One time, it got so bad that one of my friends had to speak up and ask him to “please stop bothering” me – or something more vulgar, but along those lines. I mean, he sometimes wouldn’t bother to say hello to me in bars when we were actually dating, so I didn’t understand why he wanted to be so conversational now that we weren’t.
In the end, I decided that the problem was he liked me just enough so I wouldn’t walk away, but not enough to make it worth my while to stay. He tried to get by on the bare minimum and, although it took me too long to realize it, I didn’t have to settle for the bare minimum.
For a long time I struggled with the situation. I just wanted to know if I had any effect on his life. I used to wonder if he ever thinks of me or wonders what it would be like if things were different. When we don’t like the way something turns out, we try to analyze it and analyze it and analyze it to try to make it make sense. There are always two sides to every story. The thing that bothers me is I never knew his. But maybe the other side doesn’t matter…maybe it’s just the end result that does. It’s not going to make sense for a while, if ever. I’ll never fully understand what happened and what went wrong and why his feelings changed. I still question a lot of things, but thankfully I’ve learned how to be happy anyway.
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