new blog location

Thank you to everyone who has been following my writing over the past few months. I've recently purchased a domain - lovenotesfrommyblackberry.com - and that is where you can continue to follow me.

http://www.lovenotesfrommyblackberry.com

don't you ever wish love letters would make a comeback?

Recently my grandfather was in the hospital. He had this one nurse that really thought he was something special and would always make sure to spend some extra time in the room with him. While we were visiting one day, she asked how long he and my grandmother had been married. 65 years. This blew her mind… “Girl, I can’t get a guy to stay with me 65 days.” Girl, you and me both. Anyway, this inspired Latisha to sit down for a while and tell a story…

After Latisha’s parents passed away, she was cleaning out their house and found a bag of letters that her father had written her mother when he was overseas fighting in WWII. Obviously, she sat and read them all – wouldn’t you? As she relayed to me the basic theme of the letters and even remembered some of the direct quotes, we both admitted that love letters are a pastime that we wish would make a comeback.

Now I’m not suggesting that we abandon the convenience of emails, texts, instant messages, Facebook posts, etc etc. The instantaneous element of today’s communication channels definitely has its appeal. But so does the longing that comes with waiting for that letter to arrive. To lay awake at night knowing that he’s sitting down somewhere with a pen and paper thinking about you.

Because maybe pursuit shouldn’t be convenient or instantaneous. And maybe I want to see your face, or at least hear your voice as you try to woo me into being your girl. Instead, I get butterflies when a vibration and red blinking light indicate that I have a new text message from you or when I see your email address flash across the bottom of my computer screen. When you say something romantic, I want to be able to share that moment with you – it feels so disconnected to instead call up all my girlfriends and ask what they think I should write back.

So I think that every woman deserves a love letter at least once in her life. There’s something intimate about being able to hold the same piece of paper that your man sat down and wrote to you on. To be able to touch and feel where the pencil he gripped in his hand imprinted his loving words on the paper. No shorthand, no emoticons, no “oops, sorry, wrong person”.

the art of waiting

So we all know that old saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Well, it's a good point. (Who thought dairy products would make for such a perfect euphemism?) We set the tone of a relationship very early on with our decision whether or not to sleep with the guy. And in my experience(s), it's been very hard for that dynamic to change once it's been established. If we make it too easy to have just a sexual relationship, I don't know many guys who would work too hard to make it anything more. Giving it all up too soon allows sex to become the focus of the relationship. It detracts from where the focus should be, which is on two people getting to know each other and letting themselves fall into love. And without that, no true relationship is likely to come about.

I have a friend who is a serial dater - always manages to have a serious boyfriend. One day I was thinking about it and realized that in general she wasn't having sex with these guys early on or soon after meeting them. Rather, she waited. It wasn't always a matter of waiting until she was in love with the guy, but she waited until she trusted him and felt comfortable with him. She gave him the chance to let him love her as a person first instead of just a body or a sexual being.

Me, on the other hand... I am constantly searching for a connection but I've been going about it all the wrong ways. I wanted love so badly but each time it failed to present itself I simply settled for the next best thing: lust. In some cases I thought that having sex with the guy would make him fall in love. It was like I didn't value myself enough to believe that someone could fall in love with me any other way. Other times, it was just pure impatience (and maybe some help from my trusty alcoholic beverages). Whatever the situation was, I was letting the idea of love fool me into doing something that I wasn't sure I thought was right or even wanted to do.

The more I keep thinking about it, I struggle to come up with a con to waiting. I mean, yeah, sex is generally prettyyy phenomenal - and when you're not having it, all you can think about is how bad you want it. But overall, I don't know many girls in healthy, committed relationships who look back and think to themselves, "Man, I wish I had slept with him sooner!"

Now I'm sure this isn't the case for everyone. There are certainly exceptions to every rule. But for me, from now on, I'm going to stop putting my money on being the exception. Bottom line is you know yourself best. So wait a month, wait a year, or don't wait at all - whatever you choose, just remember that the choice is yours. Because, after all, you are the ruler of your Sex World.

you are #1

After a friend’s relationship with her long-term boyfriend ended, she saw him out at a bar just a mere two nights later spending his entire night dancing with a beautiful girl. She called me from the bar and said to me with muffled tears that I could hear even through the long-distance phone connection, “I need to find me someone beautiful.” I said to her, “You already are beautiful…find yourself! Then you can find a beautiful, good man.”

I know it sounds cheesy, but sometimes being single isn’t as awful and lonely as we fear it to be at the end of a long-term relationship. Sometimes it’s the time in your life where you learn the most about yourself and what you’re capable of. Don’t get me wrong, it’s totally reasonable to feel like you just got the shit kicked out of you. But the hope is that sooner rather than later you regain your strength and go back to being the amazing woman that you always were. Being single gives you time to work on the relationship you have with yourself – and that’s so important because no matter who comes and goes in your life, that’s the one constant. You have to wake up and go to sleep and everything in between everyyy dayyy with yourself, so make sure that’s a relationship you’re satisfied with.

<3

all the single ladies - put your hands up

Last time I had a boyfriend I don’t remember being awarded a badge that gave me the authority to give my single friends cheesy motivational one-liners that would have the exact opposite effect of making them feel less single or alone. I must have missed that ceremony. Or maybe the badge is just something new they’re giving out these days. I know you’re all just trying to be helpful and pass along some of your hard-earned wisdom, but seriously, please refrain from using the following phrases (or any variation of them) when trying to make us single ladies feel better about our solo status.

“As soon as you stop looking, you will find the right guy.”
I’ve heard this one a lot, and from more than one friend, but there’s a couple conversations in particular that stick out as the most memorable.

The first was right after Thanksgiving dinner a few years back. My cousins and I were all sitting around the “kids table” reminiscing on years past. Luckily, I have three older female cousins who remember the terrors of dating in their 20s. Eventually, the subject of relationships came up. I could almost feel the excitement in the room peak as they got ready to pile on the advice. Turns out the motivational one-liner du jour was that no one who looks for relationships ever finds one. Ironically, their advice ended up being really helpful…just not for me. My cousin Krista was also single at the time. Shortly after that conversation, she met a guy on Match.com and 20 months later they were engaged. Ironic, huh? Because I’m pretty sure that creating an online dating profile is the most you can do as far as looking for a relationship.

More recently, a different friend used the same line on me. “As soon as you give up looking you will meet your soul mate. That’s how it always happens in the movies.” In the movies, girls go out twice with their girlfriends, hoping to meet the guy of their dreams – they have no luck and a terrible time. Yet on night #3 (lucky number 3!!) they meet their future husband. One argument and six months later they have a multi-million dollar wedding and live happily ever after. Romantic comedies always have a script and we always know how it’s going to end. On the other hand, I have no idea how the rest of the script of my life is written. So unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of being able to sit back and pretend I’m not interested in finding a relationship.

“You just have to put yourself out there more.”
Okay, now you’re just making it seem like it’s my fault! And really, where’s “there” anyway? I consider myself an outgoing, social person. I’m in public places the majority of my day. I go out on weekends to parties or bars – no more or less than an average 22 year old. But I also go to work every day in a building with over 2,000 people (and I even leave my cube sometimes!!!). I attend networking events and happy hours. I even go to the grocery store!!! Why do I feel like I’m getting dangerously close to exhausting my list of locations? (Since I originally wrote this, my Dad has pointed out a “there” that I’m missing…Church.)

“Guys are intimidated by you because you’re smart and successful.”
Yeah, maybe in the 1950s. But for the past four decades or more men and women have been attending universities together and working side by side in the offices around the country. So our generation really has no excuse – no reason to be intimidated by smart, successful women. In fact, the guys in our generation were probably even raised by smart, successful women. (And don’t boys have a complex where they want to marry someone just like their mother? Or is it just the Italian and Jewish boys who love their mamas that much?)

“You’re sooo young! You have plenty of time to find someone!”
I know, I know. But really, last Tuesday sometimes feels like decades ago. I can’t help but sometimes worry that time is passing by so fast. But maybe I shouldn’t worry yet. I’ll start worrying when I don’t hear this one – that’s the point where you’re too old and everyone has just given up hope for you. When your friends stop saying this, I suggest that you make a trip to your local pet store and buy a few cats…and on your way home, stop to pick up some yarn and knitting needles because, honey, they have no hope left for you!

the pleasure is temporary and fleeting - and always followed by sharp pain

Have you ever pressed on a bruise over and over again, knowing full well it’s going to hurt each time? Well if you have ever dated Johnny, this is probably what your entire relationship was like.

With Johnny, I was content but never really happy. And even though deep down I had to know nothing was ever going to change, I kept going back to him. I was always nervous that I wasn’t good enough and that he didn’t care about me. Looking back, I realize that although it had a lot to do with me and my own insecurities, he also never gave me the security I needed. He never expressed how he felt and that I had nothing to worry about. I realize now that I was starving for something that he couldn’t give me. What I needed, I could only give myself. But at the time, I thought that if I kept him coming around, eventually he wouldn’t be able to hide his true feelings from me. Eventually, he would have no choice but to be in love with me (because after all, I am great). So we did the up and down, back and forth, hot and cold thing for about 18 months and the number of chances we gave it probably couldn’t even be counted (I’m not good with large numbers). But the number of real chances we gave it…I don’t even think I could say we gave it one. So every time I kept thinking, “this will be the time that it works out”, “this time we are going to give it a real chance”, “this time he will give it everything.”

I was even more confused by the mixed reactions I was getting from my girlfriends:

“You never know how great something could be unless you give it a second chance. Or third, or fourth, or whatever.”
“This has gone on too long, you need to give him an ultimatum.”

Well, eventually I realized that the pleasure that comes from pressing on a bruise (or dating Johnny) is temporary and fleeting – and it’s always followed by sharp pain.
“I don’t believe that all situations in life have to be all or nothing, but this one does. It’s selfish for you to expect to have me at your convenience. You can’t have me just a little bit anymore.”
He proceeded to tell me that I would never understand the mixed emotions that he had – um, maybe because he never explained them to me?? He said he knew I deserved all or nothing, but as frustrating as it was, he couldn’t give everything.

It was nearly impossible to avoid him after we broke up. We attended a large university, but it was a small town and there were only a few different bars that people went to. In the first few months after we stopped hanging out, I would get extremely emotional when I ran into him. If I saw him out at night, I would grab my girlfriends, make a bee-line straight for the bar, and proceed to take shots until my vision was too blurry to see him anymore…it was the only way for me to feel like he wasn’t there. This often ended badly…drunk phone calls and text messages that usually resulted in an argument and the inevitable tears that follow.

Then, I found out he had a new girlfriend. I kept saying over and over again that I couldn’t believe it. My roommate, however, was not surprised. “Johnny lets us down again. It’s the same story line.” (You were so right, by the way!)

I spent a few months ignoring him whenever we happened to be at the same place. He would get insanely frustrated by this and a few times he even made it a point to come up to me and point out that I hadn’t say hello to him. One time, it got so bad that one of my friends had to speak up and ask him to “please stop bothering” me – or something more vulgar, but along those lines. I mean, he sometimes wouldn’t bother to say hello to me in bars when we were actually dating, so I didn’t understand why he wanted to be so conversational now that we weren’t.

In the end, I decided that the problem was he liked me just enough so I wouldn’t walk away, but not enough to make it worth my while to stay. He tried to get by on the bare minimum and, although it took me too long to realize it, I didn’t have to settle for the bare minimum.

For a long time I struggled with the situation. I just wanted to know if I had any effect on his life. I used to wonder if he ever thinks of me or wonders what it would be like if things were different. When we don’t like the way something turns out, we try to analyze it and analyze it and analyze it to try to make it make sense. There are always two sides to every story. The thing that bothers me is I never knew his. But maybe the other side doesn’t matter…maybe it’s just the end result that does. It’s not going to make sense for a while, if ever. I’ll never fully understand what happened and what went wrong and why his feelings changed. I still question a lot of things, but thankfully I’ve learned how to be happy anyway.

why college degrees don't make boys any smarter

This one is my favorite: “I don’t want a relationship right now…I just want to have fun.” That’s a classic cop-out, especially from college guys. It just makes me wonder: When did relationships get the bad rep of not being fun? The way I see it, a relationship means guaranteed sex, companionship, and conversation requiring little to no effort. And then when does their single “fun” end? Do they think on graduation day they’re just going to move the tassel to the other side and all of sudden turn into a serious, committed, relationship-kinda guy? (For the record, this is not the case. I graduated 8 months ago along with plenty of 22 year old males and as far as I’m concerned, their degree hasn’t changed their dating behavior at all.)

I knew this was an issue I had to try to see from a male’s point of view, so I asked my friend, Nick. He more or less confirmed everything I had already thought. However, he proceeded to describe how he would know that he met the right person who would make him settle down: “If I’ve been hooking up with a girl for a while and I still go to bars and look at other girls and feel myself wanting to hook up with other girls, then I know I shouldn’t get serious with anyone. But when those feelings go away and you find yourself not thinking about anyone else and not checking out other girls at the bars, not thinking about what they look like naked…that’s when you know.” How romantic.

The best part is, the guy who says this is always the one you end up running into at the gym three months later coming out of “couples yoga” with his new girlfriend. Part of you wants to run, but you know better. So you walk right up to him, shockingly act like you’re so excited to have run into him and say, “Oh I didn’t realize you were dating these days! Why didn’t you call me??” (Okay, so I’ve never done that…but I don’t think it’s something I need to experience first-hand to know that it’s not recommended.)

By now I have obviously realized that these guys are generally full of shit. Whether you want a relationship or not, if someone comes along that you truly want to be with you will find yourself hard-pressed not doing so. I’ve come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t the relationship they were denying – it was me. Sounds terrible when you say it outloud, huh? So what do you do? You hold your head high and patiently wait your turn.

the dangers of blogging while drinking Cabernet

I want every woman who's ever consumed a glass of wine without consequently getting emotional about a dude - real or imaginary; yours or not; from the past or present - to please come forward. I'm serious. Come forward ladies. Both of you!

You see, it happens to the best of us. So don't ask me how many glasses I've had - who keeps track anyway? - because we all know it really only takes one...


The nose immediately brings me back to senior year of college on a snowy day in February. As the first sip fills my mouth and slides down my throat I recognize the taste. I remember sharing the bottle and feeling the burn of the alcohol and the oaky plum flavors from his tongue mixed with mine as we kissed.

Fast forward to the following January and that guy would probably rather mix his tongue around with a razor blade. I wish I could tell you why, or what, or how - but I can't. So I drink a glass of wine, and I wonder (read: analyze)...the answers don't come to me. I think to myself that I'm probably too sober to have any real thoughts, so I pour another glass. Still nothing. One glass later and I'm still analyzing - this time outloud:
"Maybe I should have sex with him."
"Maybe I should have never had sex with him."
"I always made myself too available. Maybe I should just act like I'm not interested."
"I never let him know how much I cared."
"I care too much."
"Telling him I loved him was a mistake." (For the record, I've never said it sober, yet I fail to find any positive correlation between my blood alcohol level and my love level. Don't fight me on this one.)

This goes on long enough for me to call up some girlfriends (really girls, aren't you sick of it yet?). Either they were drinking Cabernet as well, or they could just hear the 13.5% Alcohol by Volume in my voice, because they started analyzing outloud too:
"You just need to be confident and show him that he's not getting to you!"
"You are too good for him!!!"
"Just think about all the new boys you will meet!!!!!"

I'm too buzzed to snap back with any type of witty response about how "I can't wait to meet those new boys either because I always wanted to feel this pain of rejection from multiple sources", so I just let them think that they're right and that they're motivating me to a happier place where "he" no longer affects me. I hang up and go to pour myself another glass...but there's only enough left to provide a few final swallows.

I spend all this time looking for answers in a bottle, but by the end of the night I've consumed enough that there is no liquid left to reflect whatever it is I'm looking for.

Day One

So here I am...

First, there's something you should know... I often write in the form of a question - I don’t claim to have it all figured out (OK, who am I fooling? I DEFINITELY don't have it figured out). I try to answer some of these questions based on my own experiences, but they are still not answers as much as they are simply thoughts. This isn’t meant to be normative - my intention is not to create a rule book for how you should live. It's simply a compilation of perspective and experience - honest, yes; biased, definitely. I write because I feel that my stories are relatable. Sometimes, just knowing that you’re not the only one out there who went through something is all it takes to change your outlook. Sometimes I get confused and sometimes I contradict myself, but that’s because I write as thoughts come to me. It all gets a little complicated, and messy for sure, and sometimes you will wonder if I am certifiably crazy. All I can say is I write how I'm feeling at moments in time…highs, lows, and everything in between.

As much as I hope you enjoy what you read, I want you to know that this all started as a type of therapy and, more simply, a way to just record my thoughts. The more I wrote, the more I decided that the only way to get beyond these situations - learn from them - was to tell my stories. I want you to get to know me. I hope that you will find yourself laughing with me, crying with me, reprimanding me, questioning me, celebrating with me...enjoying life with me.

Cheers to new beginnings!